twobirdsonesong (twobirdsonesong) wrote,

How To Train a Darren

CC- Brian babysitting prompt

Pairing: CrissColfer
Length/Rating: ~860/ PG for swearing and bodily functions
Summary: Darren is not Brian’s favorite person.

The first day is a little rough. Brian hisses at him when Darren walks through the front door of Chris’ place, swats at his ankle, and then promptly scampers upstairs to hide under the bed.

Darren tries to coax him out, sprawled on his belly on the floor and stretching a hand out towards the cat, but Brian just scoots away from his reaching fingers and flattens his ears against his head.  Darren’s pretty sure he can see the fuck you asshole in Brian’s glowing eyes.  He knows there’s a secret stash of catnip in the kitchen, up on the highest shelf where Brian can’t get to it; Darren will have to drag out the stepstool to reach.  But he doesn’t want to pull out the big guns until he absolutely has to.  He’s got a few days to try and convince Brian that he’s a pretty decent guy.

Chris is off for a few days doing more press for his movie and his books and Darren jumped on the chance to cat-sit, especially since he can’t follow Chris around this time.   He offered partly because it gave him a reason to be in Chris’ house even though Chris won’t be there.  And partly because he really wants Brian to like him.  Or at least tolerate him.  They have mutual interests, after all.  It’s not like Darren’s asking for Brian to sit on his lap or anything, but that’d be ok too.

How’s it going? Chris texts that night and Darren lies.

Oh just fine.

Brian is still hiding somewhere upstairs and Darren is huddled in the corner of the sofa.  He could go home, but he’s kind of waiting to see if Brian will make an appearance.  He’ll count it a victory if he even just catches a glimpse of Brian’s long tail disappearing around a corner.

Miss you both.

We miss you too.

The second day, Brian pees in his shoe.  Darren only finds out when he tries to put his shoes on and the inside is wet.  Darren sits down on the floor in the hallway and stares mournfully at his sock, damp with foul cat piss.

Brian doesn’t like me. He texts to Chris.

It takes Chris a few hours to get back to him; Darren probably caught Chris in the middle of a signing.  Darren spends the hours doing the laundry and scrubbing his shoes clean.  He refuses to get rid of them.  It’s a matter of pride now.

What happened?

He defiled my saddleshoes.

Your favorites?

My favorites. The sad face Chris sends back lets Darren know that he understands.

That night, Darren leaves a peace offering of doughnuts on the floor, but Brian doesn’t even nibble on them.

The third day, Darren has real life things he needs to take care of – bills to pay, groceries to buy, a guitar to tune – so he only runs into Chris’ to feed Brian.  The cat is sitting on the staircase when Darren comes in.  He doesn’t run away this time, but he doesn’t do anything else.  Darren is about to leave when he makes a decision.  He walks up to the staircase and stares up at Brian.

“All right, mister,” Darren says and he puts his hands on his hips.  Brian looks unimpressed.  “We’re going to work this out.  Chris is the most important person to both of us and we’re just going to have to learn to live with each other.  You don’t have to like me, but I’m going to like you whether or not you want me to.  OK?”  Brian’s whiskers twitch and Darren leaves, feeling like he accomplished a little something.

Darren comes over the morning of the fourth day to find that Brian has shredded one of the t-shirts he left in Chris’ room.  Which means that Brian somehow got the closet door open and pulled out the shirt that belongs to Darren and not Chris.  He’s staring sadly at the tattered remains of the shirt when he hears a noise.  Brian is sitting on the floor behind him.  He looks as fucking smug as a cat can look.

“All right,” Darren says.  “That’s it.  If that’s how you’re going to be, I’m just going to have to put you in your place then.”

Darren marches over to Brian’s litter box.  He takes the lid off, unzips his fly, and proceeds to piss into the cat litter.

“Yeah,” Darren says.  “How you like me now?” He thinks about drawing a little pattern in the litter.


Darren pauses mid-stream and glances back over his shoulder.  Chris is standing in the doorway, staring at him with a perplexed expression on his lovely face.  Brian is twining around his feet and completely ignoring Darren.

“What are you doing?” Chris asks and a smirk starts to curl his lips.

“Establishing dominance?” Darren tries.  He still needs to finish and his bladder is starting to ache.

“Well, when you’re done peeing in a litter box, why don’t you come and greet me properly?” Chris turns to leave.  He’s still grinning and Darren is completely in love with him.  “Wash your hands first.”
Tags: c: brian the cat, c: chris colfer, c: darren criss, fandom: crisscolfer, genre: fluff, genre: prompt, genre: rpf, length: 500-1k, p: crisscolfer, rating: pg, trope: catsitting
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